“The Coming Holidays, Family Feasts, Discord Sparks, Family Harmony, and Norman Rockwell Memories.”
22 Nov 24
Dear Bank of Prairie Village Community~
And just like that~ we turned back our clocks, adjusted our wake-up times, and noticed the political television ads and yard signs disappeared overnight. This means of course the Holidays are upon us. ~ You would think Forrest Gump took command and fast forwarded us into December.
How great is it to watch television and only be annoyed by the pharmaceutical commercials rather than becoming agitated by political attack ads?
Now of course with the Holidays comes a whole new set of anxieties.
The meals and visits are planned months ahead of time. The details can be excruciating~ down to which and how many desserts should be presented, notes on who likes and does not like what, and of course who sits next to whom.
Despite the attempts for Norman Rockwell perfection and the goal of making a generational memory~ things can easily fly off the tracks.
No, it is not the turkey being burned, the dog consuming the main courses (somehow in utter silence), the pies being overcooked, or the electricity going out. These imperfections do not spoil a holiday fest. In fact, such imperfections are the vagaries that only make the occasion more memorable, add to the family memory bank~ and are laughed about for years to come.
The real Holiday fear is that of family discord. Specifically, ~ the unspoken tension lingering or submerged familial disagreements that may rise to the surface.
We all know that even the smallest spark of discord can flashbang the submerged icebergs of disagreements, accusations, and perceived witty-but-not-funny generational pettiness to the surface. The spark often ignites sometime between “the Turkey carving and the dessert passing.”
Of course, the emerging discord iceberg is always attendant with hurt feelings, wounded egos, emotional slights, and unhappy memories.
With luck the family discord iceberg does not sink the “Norman Rockwell family perfect feast” ship~ but simply momentarily steers it off course. One always hopes there is a timely family diplomatic savant present who can skillfully steer the acrimonious conversation back to pleasantries, camaraderie, unified agreement, and laughter. God bless such astute family diplomats!
Although one can never prevent a well-meaning great-grandfather, using the family feast as a time to suggest his rebellious teenage grandson get a “proper haircut”, or his “angelic granddaughter” to lose her first and only love (the “beneath-you loser-boyfriend”), most families have emotional intelligence, exculpatory wit, and good sense to quickly extinguish such discord sparks before they fully ignite.
However, the two most dangerous discord incendiary sparks~ which can quickly trigger a full flash bang of familial strife is when one family member decides to use the long awaited and hard planned annual Family Feast to educate, change, or alter another family member’s long held political and/or religious beliefs.
For reasons I have never understood, every family seems to have someone who wants to proselytize on these two subjects at just the most opportune time to inflict maximum family chaos.
Their mindset seems to be “this is such a wonderful feast, and our family gathering is going so well, and everyone is so happy, let me just light a match and see what happens.” Results are always predictable. Neither the bomb thrower’s target, nor anyone else at the table ever changes their viewpoint and the attempted proselytizing only hardens already established contrary viewpoints~ usually with a great deal of drama and hurt feelings.
The key to family feasting bliss is for everyone to be prepared for the pyromaniac to light the political/religious discord match~ and to calmly watch it burn out for lack of matching passionate oxygen. This is often easier said than done. Again, God bless the family diplomats.
I have noticed the best diplomats have a knack for quickly steering the conversation back to positive and happy family memories or the suggestion of future family happy events~ graduations, upcoming vacation, or even new family additions.
Over the summer, I visited with a wise person, who pointed out every child looks at least in some aspect like each of his or her parents. He then gently reminded me of that famous black and white picture initially appearing to be an old lady~ but then when you look more closely you can see how the picture becomes a beautiful young girl.
He advised me to look harder and deeper at each child and then see the looks, mannerisms, habits, and idiosyncrasies of both parents appearing either together or at one time or another.
I took the wise man’s advice to heart and started studying various children and their parents who I thought were exact opposites. He was right. If you looked long and hard enough you always saw both parents in the child.
Furthermore, as I kept looking, I could see aspects of both sets of the child’s grandparents in their grandchildren. I found the exercise fascinating and somehow reassuring.
Recently, I attended a Presbyterian memorial service for a vivacious and wonderful woman who had a full life and was not only a grandmother but a great-grandmother many times over. There was no doubt about it, her vivacious attributes could be seen down her entire family line.
Even more memorable from the service was the Minister’s comment that it was his understanding in the Jewish faith, there is an understanding if family members are speaking about a departed family member, “It is like that member is there in the room and part of the conversation.”
The Minister said this thought brought him great comfort and challenged the members at the service to speak warmly and fondly of the departed at the reception following. I noticed at the reception the positivity and general happiness of all who were there. I made a note of the Minister’s comments about speaking about departed family members.
I bring these two newly acquired insights up because they seem like perfect diplomatic skillset/mindsets which can be put to good use during the coming Family Holiday gatherings and feasts. With such mindsets, even a novice family diplomat may be able to help swiftly extinguish potential discord sparks that may or may not have been inadvertently lit during this season’s family gatherings.
What better time than a family gathering is there to carefully observe different family members with the intention of seeing how the children look or act with characteristics of both their parents? What better time to see the mannerisms and idiosyncrasies that have been passed from great-grandparents to grandparents, to parents, to children, and then to grandchildren?
Further, what better time than a Holiday family gathering or feast to bring up and speak fondly of departed family members and their wonderful memories?
Perhaps it will make you feel as if they are in the room with you sharing the happiness. If nothing else, it will help fill with positive conversation that dangerous period between “The Turkey carving and the dessert passing” free of someone wanting to “light the match of discord ~ just to see if it burns.”
Yours in seeing the smiles of great-grandparents in the smile of great-grandchildren and speaking fondly of the departed missing family to bring them back to the table with their family if only through happy memories.
Our best for a Norman Rockwell Holiday Season~ and
As always, thank you so much for selecting us for the great privilege of being your bank and bankers.
Dan Bolen ~ Chairman
Bank of Prairie Village
913~707~3369 Cell
Dan.Bolen@BankofPrairieVillage.com
“The Bank of Prairie Village ~ Home of Blue Lion Banking” ~ cited March 2020, April 2021, April 2022, April 2023 and April 2024 by the by the Kansas City Business Journal as one of the “Safest Banks in Kansas City for Your Money.”
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